Corinne's story

I’d been through cancer and finished treatment. I was in a very bad place mentally. It started with being very anxious; more than anxious, panicky and that sort of thing. All through the treatment and at the end. It was the end of the treatment and I didn’t feel safe. I had huge anxieties, I was constantly contacting the Macmillan nurses to seek reassurance, because I still had, in my mind, symptoms. In my mind I thought the cancer was still there. They said ‘no, it’s been removed, we’ve treated you. As far as we know, everything is fine’, but I just couldn’t…

My way of dealing with it was, I was constantly busy, all the time, but always exhausted and my mind was like a whirlwind. It was quite difficult. So eventually a Macmillan nurse said there was a place at the RUH you could go to, to get some advice, an information centre. I had a phone call and she talked to me about lots of charities, including yours and advised counselling or any similar support. She said ‘why don’t you give them a call?’ and at the time I was in such a bad place and I felt so lonely, I just wanted some support, so I did. I don’t have much memory of the conversation, but I know there was the mindfulness course and I had no idea what it was, really no idea, but I just said yes to everything. I was off sick, and I wanted to fill up my day and get better, and that’s how I came to this course.

I’m quite a naturally anxious person and an overthinker. I did try some meditation before, without any guidance, to calm my brain down when it was overactive, but it never worked, I didn’t have any guidance and I didn’t know what I was doing. I only tried it two or three times and I didn’t think I benefitted because I didn’t know what I was doing and it just didn’t work. So I’m just absolutely overwhelmed by how, having had the guidance and the course, has changed my life. It’s just so powerful; it’s really difficult to explain. Absolutely amazing course, I’m extremely grateful and I’m still doing it now.

I remember Chris asking me at the start ‘what do you think mindfulness is?’ and I had a very vague, very narrow idea of what it was, for instance I could identify that there were some activities I could do, that I could get a mental rest from my anxieties. Doing some gardening, being in my greenhouse, things like that, and I would be engrossed in growing seeds, growing, whatever, doing something outdoors, and I would feel better.

I remember emailing Chris after the third session and saying ‘wow, that’s amazing, I’m already feeling the benefits of it’. And he said ‘just be cautious, you are only on the third session, there’s so much more to learn’. Straight away I did feel (the benefit) and I think most people – I made some friends through the course – at least two people said they felt so calm, the sense of peace and calm afterwards, so yes, I’d say there are benefits straight away.

I was on holiday in France for two weeks and I didn’t do much, I did think about it (mindfulness) but I didn’t do much. I think there’s a lasting effect when you’ve been doing it for a while, but I think I needed to restart. I started again and it’s amazing, very beneficial, straight away. Calm, peace and joy, in the little things. I used to fill my brain with podcasts, only because I was really anxious and worried, so I thought if I listen to something. But now I don’t need to do that; I really love the quietness, the little gifts of life, listening to the birds enjoying the sunshine. I don’t need noise so much, I can just enjoy the peace.

It's very refreshing, I don’t know how to explain it really. I think because my mind is not so anxious, I enjoy the present moment. It feels good when I do it. If I feel really tired, mentally or physically, I just do the 20-minute body scan mediation and I instantly feel so much better, more relaxed, more grounded. I also do the pause, from time to time, asking myself how I’m doing, how are my thoughts, what am I thinking, how am I feeling, that sort of thing.

And I really like…before going to appointments, obviously quite an anxious time, I usually make the effort to go a bit early, stay in the car park and then even three minutes is enough to do a short meditation, like the seeing practice, and that’s really useful, I feel so much calmer. It has a benefit on the conversation afterwards, with the GP or whoever I’m seeing. I’m more grounded, much calmer and it goes better. I like to do the seeing practice – when you’re out in the garden and it’s just a sense of inner peace which is wonderful.

To start with I didn’t like the idea of the course being online and I was quite worried about the fact that it would be the whole morning. I thought ‘surely I can’t sit in front of a screen, what will I gain, it just doesn’t make sense to me. But actually it wasn’t a problem at all. I can see the benefits now, because for one your immunity is too low so you’re not going to catch anything by going out. Two, you’re comfortable, you’re  in your own home and you can move the screen so you can practise in private while connecting online. Loads of benefits, I think you have to try it and see. I would have preferred joining a group, but I don’t regret it, it was wonderful to be given that opportunity and it has worked, so why not?

At times there was a bit of resistance (to the homework between sessions) and there was one week or two when I didn’t do very much, but that’s ok because it was very non judgemental. Chris is very non judgemental and accepting. So it’s fine, and it’s also very beneficial anyway. There’s always more I feel I can do, I’ve never printed all the worksheets and all the course; I might do that, put it in a folder and restart again, just to make sure I’m not out of practice. I’m looking forward to the top-up practice.

Chris is very professional, an expert at what he does. Very friendly, not judgemental, which is fantastic and a great listener, always focused on the task. He’s highly intelligent and empathetic. The ideal tutor for this. I’ve been to other courses and you know, people talk a lot and then you lose track and then time. But it’s not like that, it’s so focused that you gain so much out of it. It’s a hard balance between listening and teaching.

I couldn’t be more grateful, I’m telling everybody about it! Even if they haven’t been affected by cancer, I’ll tell people about Chris. Because I meet a lot of friends who haven’t had cancer, but they’re extremely stressed by their lifestyle and not happy and I think it’s just such a skill, and anyone could benefit from it. I think everybody, I think children should be taught it from the start, to deal with stress and anxiety and get joy out of life, because it’s not always given to you.

Before doing Chris’ course, I had some counselling. I can honestly say that mindfulness was far more beneficial than counselling, for me anyway. Counselling…it was nice to talk, but it didn’t give me any tools to deal with feeling down, feeling stressed, feeling anxious, that sort of thing. I was just amazed by what it gave me. I just want to say a big thank you. I’m ever so grateful and I always will be, it’s given me tools not just for after treatment, it’s given me tools for life.